What Is Gray Divorce? Why Older Couples Are Calling it Quits

Gray divorce is a term coined by researchers, Susan L. Brown, Ph.D. and Dr. I-Fen Lin, Ph.D., in the The Journals of Gerontology and refers to older married couples, typically individuals 50 and older, who decide to terminate their marriage. These couples have usually been married for several decades. Among couples 50 and older the trend indicates higher divorce rates than in the past.

Gray divorce: Meaning and prevalence

Gray divorce is a term used when an older couple over 50 divorces after several decades of being married. Many older individuals split later in life because of empty nests, finances, personalities, and other reasons. The trend indicates that the gray divorce phenomenon is on the rise.

• Divorces tripled for couples 65 and older between 1990 and 2021, according to a 2017 study by Bowling Green State University.
• The same study by Bowling Green State University researchers showed that the overall divorce rate has declined since 1990. However, between 1990 - 2010, the divorce rate doubled among those 50 and older.
• According to the American Psychological Association, before 1990, the divorce rate among couples over 50 was less than 9%. By 2019, The Journals of Gerontology study showed that divorce rates increased to 36% for the same demographic.

The gray divorce phenomenon also impacts famous couples. After 27 years of marriage, Bill and Melinda Gates announced their divorce in 2021. Actor Hugh Jackman, 54, and his wife of three decades divorced in 2023.

Reasons for the rise in gray divorce 

Many couples have personal reasons for their late-life divorces, but here are some common causes for participating in the gray divorce revolution in the recent decade:

Empty nest syndrome 

Research from the American Psychological Association shows empty nest syndrome can contribute to divorce. When the younger generations leave for college, baby boomers may evaluate their family life and retirement. Empty nesters may wonder, “What do I have in common with my spouse?” If the answer is just "the kids," then the marriage could face trouble.

Financial independence

According to a recent U.S, News & World Report story, women are likely to have more financial independence as they grow older. With greater financial independence, and with more marriages between financial equals, according to the American Psychological Association, divorce is more accessible to women later in life and in retirement.

Longer life expectancy 

More couples are living longer. In the U.S., the National Center for Health Statistics shows that men are living at least 75 years, while women are living almost 80 years. Because of these longer life spans, people have more opportunities to seek happiness, and unhappy spouses are not inclined to stay together. 

Cultural shifts

There is less stigma regarding marital status and divorce, so baby boomers are less hesitant to divorce. More older couples are embracing living together rather than remarrying. Studies in The Journals of Gerontology shows that remarriage rates have declined by 60%. 

Growing apart 

As a couple’s marriage ages, they may pursue new passions and not necessarily grow together. Couples grow apart and a study in the journal PLOS ONE shows that an equal number of men and women (about 40%) indicate they have nothing in common.

Financial and legal implications of gray divorce

Going through a divorce at any age has its challenges. A gray divorce may have more complications because an older couple may have more complex financial and legal issues than a couple just starting out. Here are a few: 

Prenuptial agreements

Having a prenuptial agreement could simplify how to divide assets for a divorce.  If the divorcing couple fails to divide assets on their own, a court could decide for them. Having a prenup allows couples to make their own decisions. Currently, a Harris Poll shows more than half of marrying couples support the use of a prenuptial agreement. If you’re considering remarrying after 50, you may want to secure a prenuptial agreement.

Asset division

Couples over 50 may have an emotional and sentimental attachment to their home and may find it difficult to let go of a place where they have built memories. In addition, since both parties are closer to retirement, there is less time to rebuild assets. To help with these issues, contact a legal professional and a certified financial planner for the best approach to dividing assets, building retirement savings, and surviving on a tighter budget.

Spousal support 

If older couples in a divorce are retired, this will likely impact how much one spouse will receive in spousal support. Retirement doesn’t necessarily mean that one party is exempt from making a payment to the other. Retirement accounts could potentially be used as alimony. Gray divorces complicate alimony, so consulting with an attorney for guidance is a good idea. 

Estate planning 

Both parties in a divorce should review their wills and trusts to update beneficiary designations as one spouse likely chose the other as a beneficiary. Each spouse should consider talking to an estate planning attorney for guidance.

Healthcare costs 

If you were covered by your spouse’s health insurance, you will have to seek your own policy for medical and dental coverage if you are not covered by a policy at work. Health and dental insurance costs could rise significantly. Healthcare.gov is a good starting place to find health insurance. If your age is 65 or older, you can sign up for Medicare. 

Gender disparities 

A gray divorce financially impacts a woman more than a man. In an article titled, "The Cost of Breaking Up," studies show that a woman’s household income decreases by 23% to 40% a year after divorce. Another challenge post-divorce is the decrease in Social Security benefits. A divorced woman is entitled to half of her ex-husband's social security benefits.

Emotional and psychological effects

Gray divorcing couples face the effects of legal and financial challenges, but also encounter the following common emotions associated with a divorce:

Emotional turmoil 

A divorce can often feel like losing a loved one to an illness or accident. Divorce is an ambiguous loss. The person is still alive, but they are no longer in your life. You’ve lost that sense of connection and companionship. If you cannot cope with these feelings, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. 

Struggles with self-identity

You may question who you are outside of your marital bond, especially if you’ve been married for more than two decades. Feeling like you’ve lost your identity is natural, and you may need to discover who you are outside of the marriage and family. Seeking a support group for gray divorces may help.

Increased loneliness

Social isolation, according to recent reports, is a significantly underreported issue among older adults. A National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine study found that one-third of adults 45 and older and one-quarter of adults over age 65 felt socially isolated and alone. With divorce, there is a higher risk of feeling alone. If these feelings persist, you may want to seek the help of a therapist. 

Risk of anxiety, depression, and stress

If you were not the spouse who initiated the divorce, there is a higher likelihood you may feel anxious and stressed. You’re being asked to readjust to a new life that feels markedly different from being married. You may need to lean on others during this time. 

Impact on children, grandchildren, and long-term friends

Your kids and loved ones may have opinions about your divorce and likely will not know how to react. Be prepared for adult children or grandchildren to question your decision to divorce.

Family and friends are often a source of comfort during a divorce, but sometimes a mental health professional is needed. Also, a legal professional can help navigate this emotional time and serve as an advocate during a divorce. Ask for referrals from your network or seek help online through professional directories.

Is gray divorce right for me?

Gray divorce is a term that describes couples over age 50 seeking to part ways permanently. It refers only to the age of the couple when they divorce. It's not a type of legal divorce. 

Whether a divorce is right for you depends on personal circumstances. To make certain your rights are preserved, and you have an advocate by your side, it is in your best interest to consult a divorce attorney.

The two most common categories of divorce are contested and uncontested. A contested divorce means the parties cannot agree on asset division and other major issues of their separation. Disagreements will arise on how to handle property, retirement accounts, spousal support, finances, and other issues. An uncontested divorce, the less costly option of the two, means both parties agree to the terms of the divorce. A divorce attorney can help you explore these options, as well as others, in a neutral way, detailing financial and legal implications. 

FAQs

What are the cons of gray divorce?

Each couple has less time to rebuild their retirements after a divorce. Women are adversely impacted financially more than men after a divorce. Stress and anxiety are possible, especially for the spouse who didn’t initiate the divorce. 

What is an alternative to gray divorce?

Couples may want to consider a legal separation before contemplating a divorce. During a legal separation, couples may address financial and legal issues and explore how divorce proceedings may adversely impact those areas. 

Is it possible for a couple to reconcile after a gray divorce?

Yes, it's legally allowed. However, it's recommended that both parties address the underlying reasons for the divorce before deciding to reconcile.