Walkaway Wife Syndrome: Warning Signs and Advice

According to a study completed by the American Sociological Association in 2015, 69% of divorces are initiated by women. This phenomenon, where women file for divorce seemingly without warning, is sometimes colloquially referred to as “walkaway wife syndrome.”

“Walkaway wife syndrome emerges whenever a wife who is emotionally detached and unhappy abruptly breaks off her marriage,” says Holly J. Moore of Moore Family Law Group. “It may seem abrupt to the [partner] but women generally think about divorce for several years before actually leaving. This decision is often made after years of unresolved concerns and unfulfilled basic needs.”

For many spouses who experience walkaway wife syndrome, their wife’s departure is sudden, surprising, and devastating. For the women who are “walking away,” they feel as if they’ve tried everything to reconnect to their partner and their marriage. For them, filing for divorce feels like the last possible option on a long and winding road.

The ending of a marriage is often heartbreaking for both partners. What can you do if you realize your marriage is disintegrating before your eyes? To prevent surprises, both spouses need to take proactive steps to communicate openly, be receptive to each other’s perspectives, and work to keep the relationship healthy.

What is walkaway wife syndrome?

Walkaway wife syndrome is a term to describe the prevalence of more women filing for divorce than men. But it’s a bit of a misnomer. 

While the term “walkaway” makes it seem as if these wives are making a spur-of-the-moment decision to leave their relationships, generally, the decision comes after years of unresolved conflict and many attempts to make changes within the relationship. The vast majority of women who file for divorce describe years of feeling neglected, disconnected, deeply unhappy, and increasingly resentful in their relationships prior to reaching a breaking point and filing for divorce.

From the wife’s perspective, walkaway wife syndrome might be more fairly referred to as neglected wife syndrome or sudden divorce syndrome.

"Before a wife reaches the point of walking out on the marriage, she has often tried everything to improve the relationship,” says Jessica Woll of Woll & Woll, P.C. “She may suggest therapy, propose activities they can enjoy together, and even strive to be the 'perfect' spouse by catering to her [partner’s] needs. However, when these efforts go unappreciated, and her [spouse] takes her for granted, she will eventually reach a breaking point. At this stage, the wife feels emotionally exhausted and completely defeated. This emotional exhaustion stems from the constant effort to fix the marriage without reciprocation, leading her to feel unheard, unvalued, and utterly drained."

To be clear, walkaway wife syndrome is different from domestic abuse. Walkaway wives describe feeling ignored, unheard, and disconnected from their spouses. Some women who are victims of intimate partner abuse may file for divorce unexpectedly and without warning as a way to quickly make a clean break from their partner, leaving them no opportunity to retaliate against them. In this case, an unexpected end to the relationship might be the best option to ensure safety.

Signs of walkaway wife syndrome

Every relationship is as unique as the people in it, but there are some warning signs that may indicate the potential for divorce. If you notice these signs early, you have an opportunity to address the root problems and hopefully save your marriage.

"When a wife plans to leave, she often stops raising her concerns and nagging because she has given up hope,” says Woll. “She begins to see herself more as an individual than as part of a couple. This shift can manifest in several ways: the division of labor in the marriage may change, with the wife no longer engaging in tasks she previously took on, such as making dinner every night. She may start participating in activities independently rather than as part of the couple, like taking up a new sport or hobby independently. These changes can be subtle, and unfortunately, a [partner] might be too self-absorbed to notice these signs of disconnection."

Here are some other signs that you or your wife may be ready to walk away:

• Emotional detachment. A partner who is less affectionate, isn’t engaging in meaningful conversations, and feels distant or disinterested in your daily life has become emotionally detached. You might also notice less fun, laughter, or lightness in your relationship. 
• Lack of physical intimacy. Along with a lack of emotional attachment often comes a lack of physical intimacy. This may look like a decrease in physical affection, including hugs, kisses, snuggling, and sex. This might feel like you and your partner are coexisting instead of living together.
• Avoidance of future plans. Someone who is planning or thinking about ending a relationship may hesitate to make future plans together. This might also show up as an unwillingness to work on rebuilding the relationship because it feels like it’s already over.
• Increased time away. Another warning sign you might notice is your partner spending more time away from home or spending time with friends and family without you. 
• Personal independence. A warning sign to look for is when a partner’s focus shifts outside the marriage and to their own independence. This might look like building up new hobbies, spending more time at work, or increased spending on self care or appearance. 
• Indifference to partner’s needs. A potential walkaway wife may also show less interest in her spouse's needs or desires. Her focus has shifted away from the relationship and her partner to an increased focus on herself, her needs, and her wants. 
• Separating finances. Before wives walk away, they may look for ways to build up their own financial reserves, separate from the family, or their spouse. This can be a warning sign of divorce. 
• No longer annoyed by typical things. Some women describe no longer caring about the things that used to bother them after they’ve made the decision to leave their relationship. For example, she may no longer be annoyed by an overflowing trash can. If that task is assigned to her partner and has caused arguments in the past, it might no longer annoy her enough to even mention it because it’s not worth the fight.

Underlying causes of walkaway wife syndrome

One of the struggles around understanding walkaway wife syndrome is the difference in perspectives. Wives often describe having pointed out issues and making repeated attempts to work toward solutions, while spouses report being blindsided by a wife’s unhappiness and divorce. 

“In my professional life, I've discovered that many relationships fail not due to obvious disagreements but because of a slow decline in psychological connection,” says Moore. “When a wife feels unheard, undervalued, and detached, she is more likely to leave. This emphasizes the significance of constant emotional involvement and proactively responding to each other's needs.”

Maintaining a happy, healthy relationship takes conscious effort from all parties. If that work stops, the relationship is more likely to fail. By understanding the underlying causes of marital distress, it’s possible to catch the problem early and make targeted efforts to save the relationship.

Here are some common causes cited by women who file for divorce:

• Unmet emotional needs. Many women describe feeling unseen, unheard, and uncared for in their relationship. These feelings of neglect and emotional disconnection can lead to further disconnection and, eventually, divorce. The relationship may start to feel more like roommates or co-parents than spouses.
• Lack of communication. Communication breakdowns, silent treatments, and lack of emotional intimacy can all lead to a cracking relationship foundation. “As the breakdown progresses, the wife may feel she no longer has the emotional bandwidth even to discuss the separation or divorce,” says Woll. “Now, she realizes that discussing the situation won't change anything and will only leave her more exhausted.” Poor communication may start small but can build up over time to the point where it feels like neither partner is able to understand or validate the other. 
• Unresolved conflicts. Many couples describe arguing over the same issues. Oftentimes, repeated fights about a seemingly trivial topic often have a deeper underlying cause. For instance, a fight about doing the dishes is probably not about just doing the dishes. One partner may feel like the other is controlling or constantly nagging, while the other partner may feel like they are parenting—and they both may feel like they’re being taken advantage of.
• Deprioritization of a partner’s needs. Many wives describe feeling as if their partner doesn’t know or prioritize their needs or recognize the contributions they make to the relationship. Feeling taken for granted and unseen leads to walkaway wife syndrome. 
• Different love languages. This is nuanced. Partners can be happy together with differing love languages, but both partners must recognize and take steps to speak their partner’s love language to keep the relationship strong and ensure both people feel loved and cared for. 
• External stressors. “While emotional and psychological needs are critical, financial security, food, and shelter are equally important,” says Moore. “Insecurity in these aspects can place a strain on the partnership, making love harder to thrive.

Can you save a marriage from walkaway wife syndrome?

If you’ve identified some of these symptoms and underlying causes in your relationship and are concerned about divorce, there are steps you can take to save your marriage. Divorce isn’t necessarily a sure thing if you recognize these issues in your relationship. However, saving your marriage will likely take drastic changes and lots of work from both parties. The earlier you can identify the signs and get started, the better.

“A marriage on the brink of divorce, or walkaway wife syndrome, may be salvageable, but it will take significant effort from both parties,” says Janice Reyes, MA, LMFT associate at Discovery Counseling. “To start, you’ll both need to be ready and willing to put in the work, sit with some discomfort, and slow down and listen to your partner in order to begin the repair process.”

Evaluate the situation

Saving a marriage from divorce takes work from both parties. This means that both spouses must take time to reflect upon their role in causing the relationship disconnection and the steps they can take to improve.

Some self-reflection questions you might use to get started:

• Why do I want to save my marriage? 
• What do I still love about my partner?
• What can I do to commit to, respect, and love my partner on a regular basis?
• What negative patterns do I fall into that disconnect me from my partner?
• What is a daily act I can do to show my love for my partner?

Seek professional help

One of the most impactful steps couples can take to save their marriage is engaging in couples counseling or therapy. While therapy can be a loaded word for many people, a counselor can help you and your partner reconnect, understand one another’s needs, see the other person’s perspective, and better understand relationship dynamics that are playing out. These experts can help save your marriage or mediate a mutual decision to make a change.

For marriage counseling to work, both people need to be fully committed to rekindling the relationship. If one person has checked out thoroughly, couples therapy may have limited effect.

“Family counseling isn’t a sure fix for all struggling marriages,” says Reyes. “Even if counseling cannot save your marriage, it can make ending the relationship less stressful for you and your partner and those around you, including children. It can make separation amicable instead of adversarial.” 

Improve communication

One of the best steps toward healing your marriage is to improve communication through meaningful conversation. Having open and honest communication is a good first step. If you’re worried your wife is about to walk away, focus on listening. Talk much less than you listen and resist the urge to get defensive. Try to take in what she says, pause for introspection, and come back another time to finish the conversation if necessary. Allow yourself to process and accept that no one is necessarily right or wrong in their interpretation of the situation.

Rebuild emotional connection

Often, women describe feeling disconnected from their marriage and partner. To rebuild your emotional connection with your spouse, you need to spend quality time together. Prioritize making time to do meaningful activities together or do something you used to love doing during a happier time. 

Show appreciation and care

Another way you can reconnect to your relationship is by finding ways to show your partner that you appreciate them and care. You can show appreciation through words, actions, or touch. Try to take time to notice and thank your partner for the tasks they complete around the house, validate your spouse's feelings after a hard day at work, or do something kind for them like cooking dinner, buying flowers, or going with them to do their favorite activity.

Take responsibility

When working to reconnect and rebuild an intimate connection, it’s easy to place blame on the other person and get defensive when blame is pointed in your direction. 

“When a relationship is struggling, there’s fault on both sides,” says Reyes. “Coming to the table with the ability to empathize, see the other’s perspective, and offer repair for the harm done will go a long way toward rebuilding trust and respect within the relationship.”

If you’re working to avoid a divorce, it’s important to listen, acknowledge your own mistakes, and commit to positive change.

Develop a plan

Remember: You’re not alone in this. Your partner is going on this journey as well. Saving a marriage takes work from both parties. Create a mutual plan to address issues and improve your relationship. You might even consider drafting a postnuptial agreement as part of your plan. 

What to do if the marriage can’t be saved

If you’ve tried the above options and found it’s too late to save your marriage, your next step is to file for divorce. You can navigate this process alone or with the help of a lawyer. 

‘Conscious uncoupling’ through an uncontested divorce

If you and your partner can maintain a civil conversation and agree to an uncontested divorce, this is the simplest, least expensive, and most efficient option. An uncontested divorce is where both people agree to the terms of divorce, such as division of property, child custody, and the fate of financial assets. Choosing an uncontested divorce can be a less stressful and more positive way of ending your relationship. 

Hire a lawyer

If your world feels upside down and you don’t think it’s possible to negotiate, your next step might be to work with a family lawyer to navigate the divorce process. 

A family lawyer can work with you to represent your rights and interests while attempting to resolve the matter amicably and can provide you with clear guidance through this murky time. 

FAQs

What are the warning signs of walkaway wife syndrome?

Signs of walkaway wife syndrome might include the following:

• Emotional detachment
• Lack of physical intimacy
• Avoidance of future plans 
• Increased personal independence
• Indifference to partner’s needs
• Separating finances
• No longer fighting about typical things

Is walkaway wife syndrome the same as a midlife crisis?

No, walkaway wife syndrome is different. Walkaway wife syndrome is often years in the making, with a relationship deteriorating over time and partners disconnecting slowly. Some wives may wait until their children are grown before filing for divorce, which may happen to fall around midlife.

If I’m considering divorce, what are some next steps I can take?

Lawyer Jessica Woll recommends these steps before filing for divorce:

• Try marriage counseling. “Give your marriage one last chance by seeking professional help together,” says Woll.
• Consult with a family law attorney. “Arm yourself with knowledge about the divorce process by interviewing several family law attorneys to understand your options.”
• Create a to-do list. “Gather medical records, take care of pressing medical and dental needs, and seek counseling for yourself.”
• Secure your finances. “Open your own credit cards and bank account to establish financial independence.”
• Gather information. “Collect any information or evidence that might be helpful for your settlement, such as proof of an affair or the dissipation of marital assets,” says Woll.
• Set aside funds. “If necessary, set aside some money to hire an attorney and support yourself with rent and living expenses.”
• Plan: “Develop a detailed plan, including a deadline for filing for divorce, to ensure you are prepared for the next steps.”
• Protect personal valuables. “Remove keepsakes and personal valuables from the house if you are worried about their safety,” says Woll.

How common is walkaway wife syndrome?

Walkaway wife syndrome isn’t a recognized psychological condition and is a colloquial way to refer to divorces filed by women that seemingly come from nowhere. While not all marriages ended by women are due to walkaway wife syndrome, a 2015 study found that almost two-thirds of divorces are filed by women.

Is the legal system biased toward abandoned spouses or walkaway wives?

The legal system is intended to be fair to all parties, especially since all states allow no-fault divorces.