Should I Get a Divorce? Questions to Ask Yourself

If divorce has crossed your mind, there are several questions you need to ask yourself first before you decide to take action.

Roughly 40% of first marriages end in divorce, and 60% of second ones do, which means that many couples have contemplated ending their marriages at some point. Before deciding to pursue a divorce, however, it is essential that you carefully weigh all of the pros and cons, as well as what the potential impact will be on both yourself and your entire family.

Ending a marriage should not be done rashly. Divorce is complicated, difficult, emotionally taxing, and financially tricky, and it can also impact your kids if you have them. Before going through with a divorce, individuals must reflect on whether or not it is their only option.

Signs it may be time to consider divorce

There are several common signs that it might be time to consider a divorce.

Persistent conflict and resentment

A strong indication that you might need to consider divorce is that your marriage is marked by persistent disagreement and anger. Constant conflict emotionally wears on a person, and it causes resentment to grow. A lack of trust is also a byproduct of conflict because you no longer trust that the other person has your best interest in mind.

Daniel Glazer, clinical psychologist and founder of several health technology platforms, believes that all of this leads to a fundamental lack of respect between partners, which is an environment where a marriage cannot thrive. Glazer says, "Constant fighting, criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling behavior are concerning signs of eroded respect."

Lack of connection

One sign that you should consider divorce is a growing disconnect over time between you and your spouse, both emotionally and spiritually. You may be living completely separate lives, connected only in your marriage by your shared residence and children without any emotional intimacy.

Glazer says, "While passionate intensity may naturally cool as relationships mature, a complete and unwavering loss of care, affection, attraction, and emotional/physical intimacy between spouses can be troubling for the long-term spirit of the partnership."

Imbalance in responsibilities and efforts

When two people in a marriage have a significant imbalance in responsibilities and efforts, this is usually a sign that one person has checked out of the relationship and is willing to let the other party bear the brunt of the work. While it is not necessary to split the work down the middle, some balance is expected in the division of labor. Ultimately, if only one spouse is handling all of the physical and emotional labor, it may be a sign you should consider divorce.

Financial disagreements

Financial disagreements greatly impact a marriage and are one of the biggest signs of relationship trouble. Shared money goals and beliefs are an important factor of successful relationships, so if one party is spending money irresponsibly or simply not on the same page with their spouse regarding future financial goals, this can put great strain on the marriage. Similarly, an issue may arise when the expenses aren't split in an equitable manner.

Loss of personal identity

Oftentimes, when a person is struggling in their marriage or is unhappy, they throw themselves into playing a role rather than being themselves. Over time, when one partner reflects on their behavior, they may realize that they have lost their true identity because they have been focused on saving their relationship by perfecting their performance as a good wife, homemaker, or mother. Not having a supportive partner means looking for ways to please them. This can often negatively impact your self-esteem and cause a person to doubt themselves.

Incidents of repeated infidelity or abuse

While many marriages survive a singular instance of infidelity, repeated instances can signal that a marriage is not able to be saved. If one spouse is persistently emotionally cheating or physically cheating, this might signal the end of a marriage.

In cases of an abusive relationship, leaving a marriage may be necessary to protect oneself or one's kids, or at the very least, no longer live in fear. "Divorce may be the healthiest option to remove oneself from an unsafe or unfaithful situation that violates the marital vows," Glazer says.

According to Glazer, persistent issues such as these, which have not changed after interventions, may signal that a divorce is the best option. "It may potentially be healthier for all involved to pursue divorce instead of continuing to sacrifice one's well-being," he says.

10 questions to ask yourself

When considering whether or not to seek a divorce, there are some questions you should ask yourself.

1. Do you still love one another?

There was a reason you and your current spouse decided to get married. You loved each other and wanted to spend your life together. But does that love still exist? When you think about your partner, do you remember the reason why you fell in love with them in the first place? Do you see a future together?

You need to ask yourself if any of that love that brought you together to begin with still exists, and if there is enough love left to build on before deciding to get divorced.

2. Will you be happier without your partner?

When you picture your life apart from your partner, do you think it will be happier and more peaceful? Do you believe that letting go of your marriage may allow you to let go of your anger? Consider whether or not your current unhappiness would be solved by no longer being married to your partner or if you are just reacting to being hurt.

When weighing this decision, remember to factor in what your life will look like apart, including all of the responsibilities you will no longer share with another adult if you get a divorce.

3. How will this affect your children?

If you have children, how will a divorce impact their lives and your family? Consider all of the practical implications of a divorce, such as custody arrangements, as well as the emotional impact of having parents who are no longer a cohesive unit. How will your children react to this change in their lives? How will it affect them to spend part of the time with their mother and part of the time with their father?

Working with a family therapist can help you and your partner address these potential issues. Kids need to feel safe sharing their own feelings and fears when it comes to your relationship and the break-up of the family.

4. Do you feel like yourself in the relationship?

In the present, are you able to be yourself, or do you feel like you have to pretend to be someone else in order to maintain your relationship? Do you fear a loss of your sense of self?

Consider whether or not there was a time when you were comfortable being yourself in your marriage or have you always had to hide certain parts of yourself to make it work.

5. Have you and your spouse grown apart?

This is a common reason for divorce: two people who were connected by common goals and interests have grown and changed in different directions. Perhaps you no longer feel that you share common ground. When you picture the future, do you see yourself growing closer to your spouse or further apart?

You will need to think about if you and your partner have grown apart and if there is any chance of finding one another again and reconnecting.

6. Are you both willing to work on the relationship?

For a marriage to work and for couples to rekindle their relationship, both partners must be committed to reconciliation and any changes required to reach that goal.

Are you and your partner both willing to put in the work? Fear of failure is not a reason to stay married, but both spouses must be invested in the relationship in order for there to be a chance of success.

7. Is there mutual respect and trust?

A healthy relationship requires both partners to respect and trust one another. While there will always be challenges in a marriage, both you and your partner need to be willing to work on that trust of each other and respect one another, even if that trust has been violated.

8. Are your needs being met?

In your relationship, are your needs being met? And if not, do you think you have been effectively communicating those needs? Before seeking divorce, you should ask yourself if your partner is not aware of your needs which is why they aren't meeting them.

9. Have you explored all avenues?

Divorce is a big decision with permanent consequences. Before you pursue a divorce, there are many methods of reconciliation worth attempting. Counseling — both individual and marital — should be considered as well as other forms of therapy are worth trying in order to save the marriage.

10. Are you fully prepared for the financial and emotional impact of a divorce?

Divorces can cause tremendous financial impact, both during the proceedings and after. Depending on the laws where you live, a divorce could mean losing half of your assets if you are in a community property state. If you do divorce from your partner, you will need a separate residence. Depending on your financial status, you may also be responsible for child support or even spousal support.

There is also the emotional impact of a divorce to consider. Even in the best of circumstances, emotions can run high when faced with the fact that a marriage has failed. You should think about whether you are using the threat of divorce in empty words to prompt your spouse to make changes to improve your marriage or if you have realized that ending the marriage is the right choice.

Next steps to consider

If, after answering the above questions, you still feel that ending your marriage is the best choice for you and your partner, here are some options that you should consider.

Investigate divorce alternatives

If you have arrived at this point and still believe that divorce is the best option, chances are you have tried marriage counseling or decided that it is not a feasible option. Before moving forward with a divorce from your partner, however, consider mediation, which is a conflict resolution process aimed at saving a marriage instead of ending it. Mediation differs from therapy and counseling in that it doesn't dwell on the past but focuses on problem-solving current conflicts. Another option is a trial separation. The couple doesn't make any final decisions and remains married but tries to live apart and evaluate the relationship with some breathing room.

Establish your support system

Divorce is an emotionally taxing process, and you will need to have people in your life that you can rely on during this time for both emotional and practical support. This should include your best friend, your community, and your family as well as mental health professionals who can help you navigate both the emotional challenges as well as offer support for any decisions that you will need to make for your family.

Where available, seek out support groups for divorced people in order to find others with similar life experiences.

Seek legal advice

Divorce is a legal process and should be treated as such. Even if you and your spouse agree and want to pursue a non-contested divorce, you should know your rights, understand all of the legal implications of a divorce, and speak to your representative. A divorce attorney will advise you on which type of divorce best suits your situation as well as provide expert guidance throughout the process.

We offer Attorney Assisted Uncontested Divorce starting at $1,999. For more information, call (855) 306-2319 for a free discovery call.

FAQs about divorce

These are some frequently asked questions about divorce.

How do I tell my spouse that I am thinking about a divorce?

There is no easy way to tell your spouse that you are thinking about ending your marriage, and you may feel guilty doing so, but you need to be honest with your partner. You should be careful to choose a calm moment and not do so in an angry outburst mid-argument. Express how you are feeling, use "I" statements, and avoid placing blame or making generalizations. Chances are that your partner has also been thinking about divorce, although it might come as a shock to them to hear that you are. If possible, give your spouse space to ask questions and digest your news. Assure your spouse that this is an ongoing conversation for you both.

What is the process of divorce?

The main parts of the divorce process are the filing, response, and divorce decree by the courts, although these can come with lots of in-between steps as well, depending on whether or not both spouses agree to the divorce and its conditions.

Firstly, one partner will file a divorce petition, which is then served to the other spouse. If the person being served agrees to the divorce, they sign it, and that begins the process, although some people refuse to sign the divorce petition. If they don't sign and 30 days pass, usually the petitioner can ask for a default judgment.

Then, both parties must disclose their financial information, including any assets, debts, bank account balances, etc. In an uncontested divorce, the only part left in the divorce process is a bit of paperwork to file before the divorce is finalized. If there are disagreements, this part may drag out and even result in court hearings or even a divorce trial.

How long will a divorce take?

There is no way to tell how much time a divorce can take, although there are many factors that can either speed up or slow down the divorce process. Where you live can impact the time frame of a divorce as some states have required waiting periods for ending a marriage. Some states require living separately for a full year before a divorce can be pursued. An uncontested divorce will take less time, while a divorce with court hearings will take longer. The best way to make a divorce take less time is to come to an agreement with your spouse on the terms.

Once the divorce is signed off on by the courts, there may also be a period of time before you are officially divorced and may not marry another person.

How much does a divorce cost?

The cost of a divorce can range from $500 to $11,000, which is quite a spread, but it depends on many factors. Several factors can drastically alter the cost of a divorce, but if you are filing an uncontested divorce, you can keep costs relatively low. Filing fees can also be waived for lower incomes. Other factors may be out of your control, however, and that can also drive up costs as attorney fees are steep.

Will I receive spousal support?

There is no foolproof way to answer this question, but it depends on where you live, your income, and what you and your spouse agree to in the divorce proceedings or whether or not you petition the court for spousal support, for example. These are all questions for your legal representation in the divorce.

Choosing to get divorced is a difficult choice that should not be taken lightly so you can make the right decision for yourself. Make sure you have weighed all of your options carefully and considered the impact of a divorce in your life before taking this big step.